You should probably know I don't give a shit about how you got a distinction in maths or whether you just missed out on an A for English Literature.

Nor do I care what university you're planning on attending. I don't care if you phoned up and they said you couldn't come because you're a dumbass. I don't care if some geezer from Cambridge called and said they're giving you a free ride to study Advance Probiotics at Boris Johnson College.

It just doesn't interest me. Why? Because it's not interesting news.

The best advice I can provide right now - and advice that will serve you well in your adult life - is this: Internalise everything.

Truly important things will always explode out of you in a frenzy of homicidal rage. So rest assured, if you really have problems with accomodation in Leeds, or whether you'll make any friends in your first week, someone will hear about it, some way.

Have a heart and make sure it's not me.

You little shits.