Tonight I'm going to Goa to meet other Middle-class hippies, talk of Richey Edwards sightnings and sip green tea.

Tomorrow I fly back and flash my naked torso to some OAPS whilst performing a play of the dangers of drink driving, before sipping some green tea.

Tomorrow evening I'm going to rock out at 'We Will Rock You', wearing a PVC corset, fishnets and one glove because I'm bad. I will then go on to the Torture Garden club to explore my sexuality with other fat-sweaty-middle-class-green-tea-sipping-simon-price-PVC- chaffing-lookalike-cunts.

Sunday I will go to Gay Bingo and be a fag-hag-fat-sweaty-middle-class-green-tea-sipping-simon-price-PVC-chaffing- lookalike-cunt.

Then Monday I have a job interview.

So, your plans?