You pissed the bed at 4AM.

Mum covers the piss stained mattress with any object to hand – towel, newspaper, wet-wipe, lilo….

In order to clean the piss from your pores and cleanse your fractured dignity you sit in the bath in an inch thick, pale yellow, wee puddle, giving the 10 mile stare with the dripping tap as your blind spot. Mum smokes Benson’s in the kitchen while watching Open University. What’s the best soundtrack to your wee soaked indiscretion? Some bearded pranny spouting some bollocks about igneous rocks, of course.

You finish, go back upstairs and retire to bed - draping yourself over the chest of drawers Mum used to cover the mattress. At least you can fling a shit out the window.