So I've got teletext on, and under it GMTV, roughly a minute into a news bulletin pitched into tumultuous times, is running a story that Madonna and Guy Ritchie might have split, again. Over to BBC1, where Breakfast is illustrating a story about unemployment with a clip from Auf Weidersehen Pet, because people might go abroad to find jobs. In desperation I ended up watching Freshly Squeezed, where one VV Brown was introduced as "indie doo-wop", despite a) being as indie as 911 and b) breaking the first rule of doo-wop by being a solo singer with no vocal back-up. Back on the Beeb the woman whose name I overlook was previewing an item on "Christmas toys - if we can afford to buy anything for Christmas this year" in the tone usually used to announce a royal death.

And the morning BBC2 cartoons are rubbish.