Mitchell Johnson is like someone who, on finding a door closed, just kicks it open. England's "attack", on the other hand, is a group of people who keep rattling the door knob in the vain hope of the lock on the door falling off. Brendon Nash is sat on the sofa that is blocking the door.

In other news, too fat to play cricket is now a crime.

Darrell Hair has a view on the attack on cricketers in Lahore.

The needle keeps getting stuck when Viv Richards is talking.

I still don't know what Hugh Morris actually does.