No Messi puns please.

Newcastle look increasingly doomed as they could only manage a 0-0 draw with Portsmouth, who now look safe themselves. Norwich look even more fucked in the Championship last night by 2 goals to nil against 2nd-place chasing Reading. A win on the last day of the season can still keep them up but only if Barnsley lose.

Barca-Chelsea tonight. Barca have averaged 2.6 goals a game this season, Chelsea have conceded fewer Premier League goals than any other club (just 20). English teams are unbeaten in their last 4 vists to the Nou Camp (yes, I know) but Whilst Chelsea have a good record against Barca (well, an even one; 3 wins, 3 defeats and 2 draws in their last 8 encounters), they haven't really distinguished themselves at Barca's ground. Previous encounters have featured red cards, penalties and own goals aplenty so there could well be some controversy.

Adebayor thinks AC Milan are like Beyonce.