Why does this always seem like such a good idea in theory?

And why does it always turn out so completely horrific in reality?

And why do you never learn from that?

And you can't go to the hairdresser to get it redone because a) you don't have money and b) they'll totally laugh at you and do that knowing "aww, you tried to cut your own hair, didn't you?" smile, you know that smug one, and even if you could resist the urge to punch them they'd probably do a lousy job anyhow.

So you'd figure seeing how you've already destroyed it, you'd just cut it more a little bit at a time until it looks reasonable, and then you see that you've ruined the one bit you actually did reasonably well and now have a fringe falling somewhere between your hairline and eyes so that it resembles the one that really poor kid who lived in a trailer had in reception class and looks even sillier when pushed behind a headband. And you know that when you go into work on tuesday one of those super annoying women are going to be like "Oh, I love your new haircut! It really suits you!" and you'll be like "Really? Thanks" and walk behind the nearest wall to make various punching motions at them. And then you look in the sink and see god knows how much hair and cry a bit, and then realise you didn't put the plug in and now your drain is going to get blocked so you cry a bit more and then look up and the bloody mirror is there, so you go post it on the internet so people can laugh at you and call you a moron.