1. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Everything he has done or gone near is unutterably shit, yet he is outrageously popular. All of his songs are laughable, it's like he wrote Mull of Kintyre 489 times. I've actually seen Starlight Express and it was an experience so harrowing I will take it with me to the grave. I suppose it's quite inspiring how he's achieved so much success after such a terrible accident as a child, which involved his face completely melting.

2. Richard Branson. Virgin is probably the worst brand in the world. Literally NOTHING branded by Virgin is good. Trains: turd, airplanes: turd, phones: turd, credit cards: turd, cola: so, so turd… and so on. Proof, if ever, that there is no such thing as meritocracy. And he's worshiped as the ultimate entrepreneur. Absolute ball bags. One day I will bomb the virgin islands into the sea and set fire to his jumper collection.

Who else?