Upon hearing my friend has become a dad aged 17:
"Well that's two cabbages I'll have to subsidize."

When my cousin was involved in a car crash:
"Let's hope the brain damage is only semi-permanent."

On the birth of my other cousin's baby:
"Christ, it looks shrink wrapped."

In front of a rape victim at a party (she'd been raped the year before and I was unaware of the incident):
"You can test how effective Nytol is by fucking the user half an hour after they've taken it."

You?