Not bloomin' easy. There was a giant telly in there showing the Simpsons at 1 in the morning for some reason, so I thought I might be ok but this then changed to a powerpoint presentation on photographs from the laydeez portfolios, with the occasional subliminal message stating "LAPDANCING ISN'T CHEATING" like some sort of propoganda poster from the 30's.

I found the one-seater armchair so that no-one could plonk themselves down next to me, and realised that there are points in your life when you don't actually want to see a lady's bare arse walking past you. This is made all the trickier when everything around you is mirrored - walls, ceiling, glasses, cigarette machine, doors...

Anyway, I managed to memorise every word on the back of my beer bottle. Which was nearly interrupted when the girl to my left chatting to a couple of my mates got her feet up on the table and nearly knocked my drink over with her 6" transparent heels.

The place in question was Temptations in Plymouth, for any Titty Twister afficionados out there.

The highlight of the night was probably the gents toilet at the curry house we'd been to earlier, which was very nicely furnished but included a half-length lit up mirror facing you as you were taking a leak. I'd never really seen myself with my chap in my hand before, certainly not from the view of a third party anyway. Wouldn't be in a rush to see it again.

Curry and a strip joint all in one night - I only needed a copy of Nuts magazine and Danny Dyer to have bought me a pint and I think I would have reached full lad potential.

Um, cheers