I watched these three things yesterday. None deserve a full review. But which capsule review goes with which film? Ahhh...

1) The Gamer - with Gerard Butler
2) The Wicker Man - with Nicholas Cage
3) Spartacus: Blood and Sand - with Xuma: Warrior Cervix

a) Relentlessly awful. Like a gay parody porno, but without the laughs, believable action or erotic frisson. Someone should have done a stop-cut on the director's face - if this shit even had one."
b) "I like how the deer in headlights expressions on the faces of these actresses are probably real. Such is the power of the RAW ACTING being inflicted upon them."
c) "Yeah, well done, kid. You just stabbed a man in the stomach with a machete and now he's dead. YOU WIN THE PRIZE. Yes, jump around like a little monkey mong..."