"Hollaback Girl" sees Gwen Stefani getting a big lick off the Neptunes flavour at the Hot Producer Baskin-Robbins, delivering vocals that sound like she needs a Sudafed. Let's be clear. If you're going to use a marching band in a song, then use it. Nothing tops Fleetwood Mac but J.C. Chavez comes close. This marching band is little more than a drum machine and a keyboard. You know Pharell could have gotten a real one for the price of new uniforms and maybe a couple of fundraiser-size M&Ms. (Although in the instrumental version you can hear it play "Another One Bites the Dust." Nice.)

And Gwen, seriously. What is the point of using a -- gasp -- swear word as the main hook in your song when you know you’re gonna have to beep it for radio and telly? Is it so you can look cute while covering your mouth, something that I'd love for you to do all the time? Is this the Harujuku influence? Did Love, Angel, Music and Baby make you do it after you dressed them wicked and gave them names? Are they paper-trained yet?

Gwen, Gwen, Gwen -- you're older than me, you're more successful than me, you wear your majorette uniform better than I wore mine. You're pushing 40 -- why are you still singing about teenage bitches? I let high school go, Gwen. Why can't you? I mean, that shit is just bananas.