Are all your friends complete bores? The cheapest option to meet maniacs is by far taking a ride on London's buses....

The Shameless

Kitted out in tracksuit bottoms and equipped with plastic bags of obscure content. Come as both a male and female version. The shameless can be easily spotted because they sure as hell can be found scratching (their own!) inappropriate bodyparts or gloriously drilling their nose, have a good look at the retrieved objects and make sure everyone else sees it, too. Very pleasant.

The Ruthless

They'll squeeze past you on the way in, usually employing tactics of violence (elbows) and verbal abuse (out my way, bitch!). Once they managed to board the bus, they will continue their rampage by bickering with the driver (including overly dramatic gestures and frequent looking around, just to make sure other commuters can see who's in the right here...) and fellow passengers (take your feet off the seat or I'll fucking kill you!).

The Youngsters

Easy to spot and easy to avoid: they come in school uniforms. Large groups of teenage louts, armed with markerpens (or spraycans. Spot the Aerosol!) and crispwrappers. The latter are used for numerous effects of varying annoyance. This ranges from creating false explosions to throwing the wrappers at unsuspecting commuters (Haha. The fucking thing hit the fucking man on his fucking head. Did I mention the youngsters swear an awful lot?).

The Aged

Don't be fooled. Only because she's a granny, that doesn't mean she's harmless. Freedom Pass holders are living time bombs. They'll kick you off your seat even when there's plenty of room elsewhere. The aged will also ramble on about the old times at the drop of a hat. Especially during rush hour and when absolutely no one wants to hear about it. One thing the aged cannot stand is the sight of teenage feet on seats. That's when walking sticks (and heavy shopping bags) come in handy, so ,make sure you take one on your next bus journey. Beat them with their own weapons, that's what I say.

The Conductors

Does the name Duke Baysee ring a bell at all? The man behind "My Girl Lollipop"? London's "singing bus conductor"? Yes, that's the one who switched on last year's Christmas lights in the whole of Essex. Fair enough, but the trouble is that the guy is STILL working as a conductor and it's very hard to avoid him. Picture this: you are trying to get home after a day's work. You're knackered and zombified. You get on the bus and there he is. Armed with a psychopathic smile and a harmonica, Duke Baysee is fucking unstoppable. He'll sing, play, dance and check your ticket within five minutes. And don't you dare not to cheer or at least clap. Cos if you don't he'll hit you on the head with giant lollipop. Just that you know.