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Isn’t life booooooooorrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing? Your middle class, liberal minded, Guardian reading suburban parents are once again nagging you to do your homework. Pah! What do they know about individuality – The SHEEP BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Errr, actually what do you know about individuality? I mean, you liked that Offspring record a couple of years back, and all your mates are now saying that pop is for kiddies (apart from Britney and Daphne and Celeste ‘cos the style gurus at the NME and Melody Maker (RiP) think they’re cool.)
So, back to your middle class, liberal minded, Guardian reading, suburban parents. You’re a teenager, it is time to REBEL!!!!
Now what do you wear to piss off your middle class, liberal minded, Guardian reading, suburban parents?
Well you could begin as a Hippy. This would obviously piss them off as you would also HAVE to become vegetarian. It’s ok, you only have to be a vegetarian at home when your mum cooks your dinner, you can always sneak down to the local kebab shop if you really can’t stomach the thought of yet ANOTHER lentil soup and chili bean casserole. Now obviously that’s the downside of being a Hippy, but the upside is that you can walk around looking like a tramp and it’s all part of the style, man. I mean not washing your hair for six months is fine because, like, hair is meant to clean itself (what does it do? Does it take itself to the shower and give itself a wash whilst you wait patiently next door!?). Now obviously the problem is that your parents are probably children of the Summer of Lurve, man. So instead of getting shocked when you walk around smoking a spliff so long you can’t turn corridor corners they’ll probably think you’re incredibly groovy and will ask for a toke or 50.
So try the anger treatment. Become a Punk. Not only will you gain cred points, but you also get to look like an electrocuted blue hedgehog. What more could you want?! This is obviously an ideal choice if you are suffering some inner turmoil. Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit gets bullied at school, in the marines, in the music biz etc etc etc. I suppose the unresolved loss of your dead cat should do the trick. Well, y’know, the things that happen to cats these days in vets’ surgeries is nobody’s business. They have to wait for hours in kitty casualty as deafened budgies pass them by. And _of course _instead of sitting here whining like some sissy it would be a very good idea to go out and GET MAD ABOUT IT!!!!!!!! D’YOU HEAR ME??? BE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
This also means that you can swear more. Say “shit” and “fuck” and “cunt”, you’re allowed. No matter what anybody says. It is also a lot better if you say these words in front of your teachers, great-aunt Maude, policemen, traffic wardens and the school traffic lady. Let’s get this straight. The world is a mess. People are horrible. You are even more horrible. And your world is far more messed up than anybody else’s. And don’t forget that. This obviously means that it is your God given right to grumble about anything and everything. And listen to lots of Korn, Limp Bizkit, Offspring, Blink 182 and finally the Bloodhound Gang. It also helps if you are sexually retarded with the sense of humour and body fluid obsessions of a four-year-old.
Now if you are even more tortured and fucked up than that then why don’t you become a Goth? Don’t worry, it’s all very easy. All you have to remember is the word “black”. That is black clothes, black make-up, black moods, black shoes, black magic, black food _(get your mum to cremate everything). Now the good thing about all of this is that black is _reaaaaaally _slimming. Why on earth do you think Coco Chanel invented the Little Black Dress? However it is a goth’s cardinal sin to smile. Those face muscles of yours should be atrophied. They should be so weak that you can only eat with the aid of a straw and you should pout darkly permanently. Your transformation will be topped off by painting your room black, putting in an occultic altar and announcing to your parents that you will sleep in a coffin from now on. You should also get the _“Beginner’s Guide To The Occult” and walk around trying to find a virgin to sacrifice at the altar. Don’t worry, as your carpet will be black the blood won’t show amidst the candlelight and the pet bat. When you aren’t busy swotting up on your satanic studies it is a good idea to sit around moping and writing bad poetry.
However if you are the eternal optimist, and you have far better personal hygiene than the hippy, then you could always become a Raver. Children of the second Summer of Love unite!!! Take enough E to make a grumpy herd of elephants permanently happy! And show your individuality by making yourself look utterly ridiculous!!! Bin bags are not for putting rubbish in … they are for turning into a dress. That flowery wallpaper your parents have left over from the decade-that-style-forgot, the ‘70s, isn’t for throwing out with the rubbish, you can salvage that to make yourself a groovy shirt. Now then remember that you are the opposite _to a Goth, everything should be in the most garish colours possible. If you are a girl it helps if you wear as little as possible, especially in the middle of winter. You should also invest in some light sticks, flashing-light glasses, anything that glows. You know you’ve got your _“look” right when your parents have to wear sunglasses permanently.
The teenage revolution in suburbia has started. Middle class, liberal minded, Guardian reading suburban parents will be quaking in their boots. You have _not _heard the end of this!
*Disclaimer for the easily offended*
This article is not meant to be taken seriously (ie. It's humourous) and it does not represent the views of the Drowned In Sound staff.
