In a time when Moving Units get ostracized for missing their money train on the post-‘80s revival-line, it’s hard to believe that bands like Bella exist. Who willingly puts themselves in a position to be ridiculed? Seconds into my first sighting of their Pollack-meets-Tron inspired album design for No One Will Know I sigh, “This sort of thing still exists?”

Everything appears on cue, suited with the disco drumming and the defenceless synths. Like a combination of the worst bits of The Bravery and the worst bits of Ladytron, Bella offer an album full of pop-lined electronic music fuelled by predicable puppy-love lyrics, with a side order of unconvincing delivery at an icy temperature. Sounds picture perfect for the mindless tweenagers across the globe, not that there’s anything wrong with that. At least when it gets marketed for retail, Walmart’s censorship board won’t have to change a thing.

Bella sound asleep from the get go. First track ‘Give It A Night’ puts up a front about bridging troubled waters through a careless night out partying. First jingle comes from refrain “They don’t know us” and all I can think about are the type of people that use “They don’t know me” in everyday language. All I can think about are those crack heads and transvestites on The Jerry Springer Show defending themselves to mobs of disbelievers, “You don’t know me, You don’t know me.” Totally less dramatic, the song is completely apathetic. The premise is clear: couple has trouble, girl tries to comfort her lover with a night on the town with “give it a night we’ll work it out we can be nice”. “We can BE NICE?” I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the most pathetic selling point I have ever heard in my entire life. What really gets my goat is the appearance of their lyrics in the album sleeve, as if they are some sort of Pandora’s Box. Please, save the ink.

It is poppy, yes, but catchy? Maybe. Light appears in title track ‘No One Will Know’ whilst a sleek bass line steals the show - but while it fails to save the sunken ship, the trio sound bored with themselves more than ever. Completely lifeless, Bella’s No One Will Know is completely digestible, and more dangerously, completely forgettable.